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A scientist who's worked at Tinder and Bumble explains how to navigate one of the awkwardest parts of online dating

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Tinder Bumble Jess Carbino

  • After working at Tinder and now at Bumble, sociologist Dr. Jess Carbino knows how disappointing it can be when a promising conversation peters out on a dating app.
  • She says it's OK to follow up with another message after two or three days, as long as you keep it playful.
  • The person is probably just busy — it's not anything personal.


There are few heartbreaks more embarrassing than the heartbreak you feel when someone fails to respond to your last message on a dating app.

It's not like you guys were dating — actually, you'd never met the person IRL  — but the banter was so witty, so flirtatious, so promising!

And now they've decided you're ugly. You're dumb. You're a worthless human being.

Actually, says Dr. Jess Carbino, the in-house sociologist at Bumble (she previously worked at Tinder), they're probably just busy.

"Until you've met and connected, [your relationship] might not be top of mind yet," Carbino told me. It's a nice way of saying: You are not the center of the world.

Carbino recommends checking your ego and sending a follow-up message — yes, really! — after two or three days have passed and you still haven't heard from the person.

"There's nothing wrong with nudging the person a little bit and just sending a refresher message saying, ‘Hey, I wanted to ask you more about this.'" "This" can be the concert they said they were going to or the work project they were cranking out last time you chatted.

As long as you keep it "really casual, fun, and playful," Carbino said, "and not at all antagonistic," you should be good.

Interestingly, dating app Hinge analyzed more than 300,000 conversations and found that sending a follow-up text after an opening message boosts your odds of getting a response. Hinge data suggests you should wait at least three hours and 52 minutes after sending the first message.

"Sending a little refresher message," Carbino said, "and reminding people, ‘Hey, I'm here!' helps people to just keep the conversation going sometimes, when we're always so busy in other aspects of our lives."

SEE ALSO: Exactly how much time to spend on dating apps, according to a scientist who helps design them

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: 8 definitive rules for texting someone you want to date


McDonald's employees share the 14 strangest orders they've ever gotten

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McDonald's employee

  • McDonald's' menu isn't expansive enough for some customers, who prefer to customize their orders.
  • As a result, McDonald's crew members sometimes get pretty strange requests from these pickier customers.
  • From cups of pickles to empty boxes, here's a look at some of the most unusual orders McDonald's employees say they've gotten over the years.

The McDonald's menu offers a pretty extensive overview of what the fast food giant has to offer.

But it's not the whole story. You could always try a selection from the chain's secret menu.

Or you could go completely off-script and customize your order.

Some McDonald's crew members seem to have mixed feelings about complicated custom orders. In a Reddit "Ask Me Anything" thread last year, a McDonald's employee said they hated making "special request" orders that are too "weirdly specific."

A number of McDonald's employees have taken to Reddit and Quora to discuss some of the most unusual items that they've ever prepared — or refused to prepare — for customers. The orders ranged from a cup of pickles to bags of uncooked chicken nuggets.

Here are a number of strange orders that McDonald's employees have encountered on the job:

SEE ALSO: 11 insider facts about McDonald's that employees know and most customers don't

DON'T MISS: 17 insider facts about shopping at Costco only employees know

SEE ALSO: Costco uses over a pound of cheese for the $9.95 cheese pizzas in its food court

Poached egg whites

Some McDonald's customers come up with pretty fancy orders.

Quora user and former McDonald's employee Chelle Gordon wrote that one man insisted upon being served poached egg whites.

"The order taker had no idea how to answer that, so they called me as the manager on duty," she wrote.

She told the man that poached egg whites were off the table as "it is not on the menu, we have no one trained to separate eggs, and we have no way to time it so we wouldn't know when it was done."

The man ended up lingering in the drive-thru and arguing with Gordon, until he left empty-handed.

"Ultimately, if I had an hour to test it out, I might have been able to come up with something edible," she wrote. "That is, if I had stopped managing for an hour to work on his order. But it's fast food, not a gourmet restaurant."



Half-cut fries

A Reddit user who said they worked at McDonald's described encountering a customer who ordered a McChicken sandwich "with the bun and the chicken separate."

The woman then asked for her fries to be "half-cut."

"As in, take a knife and cut them in half," the Reddit user wrote. "It was lucky she only wanted a small, but still. I ended up leaving one fry uncut just to f--- with her, but she didn't come complaining."



An empty box

Quora user and former McDonald's employee Ryan Turner wrote that a customer once asked for a rather light order.

"While it wasn't very busy, I got a new order for a triple cheeseburger," Turner wrote. "Except, this triple cheeseburger had no patties, no cheese, no pickles, no onion, no ketchup, and no mustard. And no bun."

He realized that the order was for nothing.

"So I called out to the front counter and asked what the hell this order was supposed to be," he wrote. "They frowned as well, and just said: 'Just send down an empty triple cheeseburger box.'"



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

What we know about Quentin Tarantino's new movie, which stars Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Margot Robbie

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tarantino dicaprio

Quentin Tarantino announced earlier this year that Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio would be starring in his upcoming ninth film, "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood," which partly involves the Manson Family murders.

On Monday, Tarantino and DiCaprio teased a few details about the film at the Las Vegas industry event CinemaCon. This week, Margot Robbie confirmed to IndieWire that she was playing the role of actor Sharon Tate in the film.

Pitt worked with Tarantino on 2009's "Inglorious Basterds," and DiCaprio appeared in 2013's "Django Unchained."

"Once Upon a Time in Hollywood" is set for release August 9, 2019.

Here's everything we know about Tarantino's upcoming ninth film:

SEE ALSO: Quentin Tarantino's next film will be released by Sony following the Harvey Weinstein scandal

DON'T MISS: Charles Manson was sentenced to 9 life sentences for orchestrating 7 gruesome murders with his cult 'family' — here's his life story

The film takes place in "Los Angeles in 1969, at the height of hippy Hollywood."

Tarantino described "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood" in a statement last month, calling it, "a story that takes place in Los Angeles in 1969, at the height of hippy Hollywood. The two lead characters are Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio), former star of a Western TV series, and his longtime stunt double Cliff Booth (Brad Pitt). Both are struggling to make it in a Hollywood they don't recognize anymore. But Rick has a very famous next-door neighbor ... Sharon Tate."

In July 2017, early reports of the film described its script as focused on the murder of actress Sharon Tate by Charles Manson's followers.

While Tarantino's most recent statement mentions Sharon Tate as a player in the movie, Tarantino previously said that the film would not center on Manson but on the year 1969.

At CinemaCon on Monday, Tarantino did not add much to the description of the plot, calling the project "very hush-hush and top secret."



It has been five years in the making.

Tarantino said last month that he had been working on the script for the film for half a decade.

"I've been working on this script for five years, as well as living in Los Angeles County most of my life, including in 1969, when I was 7 years old," he said. "I'm very excited to tell this story of an LA and a Hollywood that don't exist anymore. And I couldn't be happier about the dynamic teaming of DiCaprio and Pitt as Rick and Cliff."



It's a "'Pulp Fiction'-esque movie."

Deadline reported in January that DiCaprio would play an "aging actor" in a "'Pulp Fiction'-esque movie." "Pulp Fiction," Tarantino's 1994 classic, told a collection of interconnected stories.

On Monday, Tarantino confirmed this sentiment by saying that "Once Upon A Time In Hollywood" is "probably the closest to 'Pulp Fiction' that I have done."



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

You can now return Amazon orders for free at certain Kohl's stores — here's how it works (AMZN)

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kohl's amazon return

  • A new program makes it possible to return Amazon orders at some Kohl's stores. 
  • The returns are free, but your items must be eligible under Amazon's guidelines, which you should check before you go.
  • Select Kohl's stores in the Chicago and Los Angeles areas have launched the program, so we decided to check it out last fall.


In September, Kohl's and Amazon announced a partnership that would make returning items bought on Amazon more convenient. 

Eighty-two Kohl's stores in the Chicago and Los Angeles areas have set up pop-up stores where customers can shop from a selection of Amazon devices and return any Amazon orders for free. These return centers accept any merchandise that's eligible under Amazon's guidelines, which you can check on your Amazon account. 

According to research by the firm Gordon Haskett, the program has been a success for Kohl's. Total visits to Kohl's stores with Amazon's return program outperformed nearby stores without the program by about 8.5%. Kohl's stores with the program also saw a greater proportion of new customers, according to Gordon Haskett.  

We tested the service at a Kohl's store in Torrance, California last fall. Here's how it worked: 

SEE ALSO: Kohl's teaming up with Amazon was called a 'deal with the devil' — but it could turn out to be a brilliant move

For the sake of the experiment, I ordered a $9.99 clip for a Fitbit One. I had several options for shipping it, or I could pick it up at the Amazon@Westwood location. Short on time, I opted for the $3.99 one-day shipping.



When I was ready to return it, I had a few different options. Dropping it off at Kohl's for shipping is free, but you must designate this type of return on your account before heading to the store.



After I selected "Kohl's Dropoff," the screen showed me a Kohl's store about 10 miles away from my location. There are closer Kohl's stores, but the Amazon returns program doesn't currently include every location.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

9 simple and classic cocktails every adult should know how to make

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Having a few good cocktail recipes in your back pocket is arguably the best accessory you can carry. 

But overstocking your home bar and trying to learn a bunch of drinks all at once isn't a good idea. Start with one recipe, make it a few times, and then move on to another drink that uses similar ingredients. For instance, start by perfecting the Old Fashioned and then pick up some mint and crushed ice and work on your Mint Julep.

Below, veteran bartender Eamon Rockey lays out a lesson plan for your cocktail education. Here's how to make nine classic drinks, all using a combination of these core ingredients and tools.

all ingredients cockails how to make drinks

April Walloga contributed reporting on an earlier version of this article.

SEE ALSO: This is the final word on whether you can wear a dress shirt without a tie

Old Fashioned



Mint Julep



Whiskey Sour



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Meet the high-profile lawyer and professional sports car driver representing Stormy Daniels in her lawsuit against Trump — who says more 'bombshells' on Cohen are coming

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michael avenatti Stormy Daniels Lawyer

At the moment, Michael Avenatti may be the most high-profile lawyer in America. The 47-year-old seasoned litigator has made headlines in recent weeks thanks to his client, adult film actress and director Stormy Daniels.

Just days before the 2016 US election, President Donald Trump's personal lawyer Michael Cohen arranged a $130,000 payment to Daniels to keep her silent about an affair she allegedly had with Trump in 2006.

Avenatti has since sued the president, on Daniels' behalf, accusing Trump of invalidating a non-disclosure agreement, and of defaming Daniels. Avenatti says the violation allows Daniels to reveal her side of the story to the public, and in March, she did just that in a blockbuster "60 Minutes" interview on CBS News.

As Daniels' profile has risen, so has Avenatti's. Here's what you should know about him:

SEE ALSO: Meet 'Stormy Daniels', the porn star Trump's lawyer paid to keep quiet about an alleged sexual affair — who's finally telling her side of the story

DON'T MISS: Stormy Daniels' lawyer makes bombshell allegation that Russians reimbursed Trump lawyer Michael Cohen after $130,000 hush payment

Avenatti graduated from the University of Pennsylvania in 1996. Three years later, he received his JD degree from George Washington University.



During college and law school, Avenatti worked for The Research Group, a campaign research firm founded by Rahm Emmanuel, former President Barack Obama's chief of staff and the current Democratic mayor of Chicago.

Source: Chicago Magazine



After graduating law school, Avenatti worked at O'Melveny & Myers, a high-powered Los Angeles law firm. Over the course of his legal career, he has contributed to several high-profile cases involving Paris Hilton, Jim Carrey, and members of the rock band The Eagles.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Meghan Markle is reportedly wearing a Ralph & Russo wedding gown — here are their stunning designs

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meghan markle ralph & russo engagement gown

  • Ralph & Russo's wedding gowns have reportedly caught the eye of Meghan Markle, who is rumored to have chosen the designer for her wedding dress.
  • Ralph & Russo also designed Markle's engagement dress, and their designs have been worn by various celebrities such as Beyonce, Angelina Jolie, and Lupita Nyong'o. 
  • Meghan Markle's wedding gown is expected to cost roughly $135,584 (£100,000), according to sources who spoke to the Daily Mail.

Speculation is swirling on which wedding gown designer Meghan Markle will wear on her wedding day, along with how much it will ultimately cost, and who will pay for it.

In the running are designers Roland Mouret, Inbal Dror, and Burberry's Christopher Bailey. However, last weekend  the Daily Mail reported that Markle's wedding gown will be created by Ralph & Russo— the designer behind the gown she wore during her engagement photos with Prince Harry. 

Launched just 10 years ago in London, the Ralph & Russo line is run by Australian couple Tamara Ralph and Michael Russo. In the past 10 years the brand has grown internationally, and the designs have been worn by high-profile clients such as Beyonce, Princess Ameerah al-Taweel of Saudi Arabia, Angelina Jolie, Lupita Nyong'o, and Bella Hadid.

Below a look at stunning Ralph & Russo wedding gowns that might hint at what Markle's wedding gown could be.

SEE ALSO: There's a good chance Meghan Markle and Prince Harry will honeymoon in Namibia — here's what their itinerary could look like, including a moonlit dinner and hot air balloon ride

Worn by Camila Figueiredo Coelho, this Ralph & Russo wedding gown is a part of their summer 2018 line.



Model Shanina Shaik recently wore a Ralph & Russo wedding gown at her wedding.



This wedding gown is a part of the autumn and winter 2017/2018 Ralph & Russo couture collection.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

50 Cent just announced he's leaving Instagram, where he has 18 million followers, because the site removed his content without telling him (FB)

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50 cent

  • 50 Cent is a major influencer on Instagram.
  • But now the rapper says he's leaving Instagram because the social network removed content from his account without warning him first.
  • He marked his return to Twitter with a photo of him raising a glass of rosé wine.

 

Instagram may have just lost a very influential user.

Rapper 50 Cent said goodbye to the photo-based social network, which is owned by Facebook, on Wednesday, sharing an image of him in a sharp suit and tie as he raises a glass of rosé.

"I'm leaving IG, I'm going back to Twitter. They take shit down off my page with out [sic] notifying me #censorthesenuts," 50 Cent said in a post shared to his 17.9 million followers.

I’m leaving IG, I’m going back to Twitter. They take shit down off my page with out notifying me. #censorthesenuts

A post shared by 50 Cent (@50cent) on May 9, 2018 at 12:33pm PDT on

Curtis James Jackson III, known professionally as 50 Cent, said he decided to leave Instagram after the social network removed content from his account.

According to music industry blog HotNewHipHop.com, the content in question was a screenshot of musical artist Teairra Mari's sex tape. The post is no longer shown on 50 Cent's Instagram, and Business Insider was unable to independently verify the image's existence.

On Wednesday, Mari posted a note to her own Instagram page.

"Recently, my social media was compromised by someone who I felt was deserving of my love and trust. That person proved to be untrustworthy and posted footage of what in the moment was private and sacred," Mari wrote.

She added, "Revenge Porn [sic] is a crime in California and I will be in pursuit of justice."

Thank you to everyone for your prayers and kind words during this time. 🙏🏽 #ThisTooShallPass

A post shared by 👑Teairra Mari (@misstmari) on May 9, 2018 at 11:54am PDT on

If it was pornographic material, it wouldn't be surprising that it got bumped from Instagram.

The second item on the social network's terms of use reads: "You may not post violent, nude, partially nude, discriminatory, unlawful, infringing, hateful, pornographic or sexually suggestive photos or other content via the Service."

Facebook did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

50 Cent has had a rocky year. TMZ reported in January that the "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" artist made $8 million after accepting bitcoin for his 2014 studio album. The rapper appeared to confirm the report in an Instagram post a day later, but he later denied having ever owned bitcoin.

50 Cent filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in July 2015, after racking up personal debts of more than $28 million. He also hit his former lawyers with a $32 million lawsuit in January 2018, alleging that his counsel failed to "provide effective representation" in a suit brought against him. In 2015, his ex-girlfriend Lastonia Leviston sued 50 Cent for publishing a sex tape of her and her partner with his own commentary online. He was ordered to pay Leviston $5 million.

SEE ALSO: 50 Cent reportedly told the bankruptcy court that he never owned bitcoin, contrary to a report that he made $8 million in crypto

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: 50 Cent says the money in his Instagram photos is fake


Silicon Valley's housing market is so dire, a burned-out home just sold way over the asking price — for $938,000

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burned out house san jose

  • The San Francisco Bay Area is one of the most expensive housing markets in America.
  • Case in point: A fire-ravaged home in San Jose, California, has sold well over asking for $938,000. The home will need to be demolished.

 

It's no secret that buying a home for under $1 million in the San Francisco Bay Area is a nearly impossible task. Case in point: Somebody has paid over $900,000 for a burned-out home.

The one-story, single-family house at 1375 Bird Avenue in San Jose, California, was ravaged by fire two years ago. In photos, the structure appears dilapidated and held together with plywood.

According to real-estate site Redfin and the Silicon Valley Business Journal, the home sold for $938,000 in April — more than $130,000 over the listing price of $799,000.

Listing agent Holly Barr of Sereno Group told the San Francisco Chronicle the price was fair based on the cost of local housing and the lot's potential. The home sits on a 5,800-square-foot lot and is located less than a 10-minute drive from downtown San Jose, where Google plans to build a new campus.

According to Barr, the seller took the highest of six bids. The lucky buyer is paying all cash.

Prospective buyers needed to harness their imagination to see its potential. The home's listing on Redfin stipulated: "The property was badly burned 2 years ago. You cannot see the inside."

Built in 1976, 1375 Bird Avenue suffered heavy burns after a garage explosion in 2015. Flames engulfed the home, leaving three residents and a dog displaced. The cause of the fire was unknown.

A screenshot from Google Street View shows the quaint home in 2015.

burned out house san jose california

In 2018, it doesn't have quite the same curb appeal.

As the cost of living in San Francisco rises, people are migrating south in search of affordable housing. Nine of the 10 hottest neighborhoods in the US are located in San Jose, according to Redfin. The site based the ranking on increases in internet traffic to listings in a neighborhood.

The median home sale price in San Jose reached $1.1 million in December, up 32% year over year. Homes typically sell for 113% of the listing price and receive all-cash offers.

SEE ALSO: All the crazy things happening in San Francisco because of its out-of-control housing prices

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: These 3D printed homes can be constructed for $4,000 — and they might change the approach to underdeveloped housing

The best time of day to work out might be later than you think, according to a physiologist

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morning exercise

  • Many people associate early morning exercise with success.
  • But if you're not a morning person, making it to the gym first thing can feel like an impossible task.
  • A physiologist believes that working out in the evening has some surprising benefits.
  • She claims you are up to 30% stronger in the evenings compared to mornings, which can enhance your performance.


There's something incredibly smug about those people who get up at the crack of dawn and fit an hour's workout in all before their almond latte.

Most CEOs will tell you that they squeeze an early workout into their morning routine, and as a result many of us naturally associate morning exercise with success.

Working out first thing will kick-start your metabolism, wake your body and mind, and help you to focus throughout the day, they say.

It all sounds great, but for those of us who aren't "morning people," making that 7 a.m. class often feels like an impossible task.

However, while according to one physiologist the time of day you work out does impact your performance and results, that time isn't necessarily the morning.

Presenter Anna Richardson asked the question of what time of day is best for a workout in the latest episode of Channel 4's How to get Fit Fast show.

She said that some experts believe the right time to exercise is all relative and dependent upon your own individual body clock, or "chronotype," which determines whether or not you're a so-called "morning person."

However, even if you are one of these people, there are often plenty of reasons why training first thing is not logistically possible, she pointed out.

The good news for night owls is that some evidence suggests that training in the morning may not be superior to the evening when measuring performance.

'Muscles are up to 30% stronger in the evening'

Dr Gladys Pearson, a physiologist who studies muscles at Manchester Metropolitan University, is convinced that working out in the evening has a much bigger impact on your body than exercising at any other time of day, because the evening is when you are stronger.

Pearson's research suggests working out in the evenings can increase your physical capacity by between 8-30%. One of the reasons for this, she says, is that your muscles are warmer then.

pexels photo

Putting the theory to the test

Using trackers, Pearson's team compared the performance of three participants — including Richardson — jumping vertically on the spot in the morning and in the early evening.

And, while it was a certainly a small experiment, the results were rather surprising.

All three saw their performance enhanced in the evening. The smallest difference was seen in participant Beth's jumps, whose performance improved by 1.8% in the evening. Meanwhile, Richardson jumped 1.23 cm higher — equivalent to a 7.7% improvement in terms of performance — and Declan increased his jump height by 6 cm, an increase of 16.3%.

Pearson said that she believes the increased power and enhanced jumping capacity is not just down to warmer muscles, but that hormones are also playing a part in this.

"In the morning the hormones are more encouraging of breaking down the muscle, and in the evening it's the opposite," Pearson said, confirming to Richardson that you'll get better results in the evening, when your hormones are in muscle-building mode.

There's no doubt that there are benefits to starting your day with physical activity — not to mention the convenience of getting it out of the way early on — but the next time you miss that early morning class, don't beat yourself up too hard — you may even train harder later in the day.

SEE ALSO: A personal trainer says taking BCAAs, supplements popular with fitness influencers, is a waste of time — here's the simple thing you should do instead

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: Ian Bremmer: Why the American dream doesn't exist anymore

Some people struggle to create boundaries — here's why it's important to learn to say 'no'

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woman rocks sea

  • Learning where your boundaries are can be tough.
  • But they are really important for maintaining healthy relationships.
  • Without initially having boundaries, you're likely to build up resentment.
  • Instead, you should be honest about how you want to be treated right at the start of a new relationship, even if it feels uncomfortable.
  • The more you're honest about your boundaries, the easier it will become to communicate them.


Boundaries are essential to have healthy relationships with romantic partners, friends, and even colleagues. But so many people struggle with saying "no," and communicating where their limits actually are.

According to doctor of psychology and therapist Perpetua Neo, sometimes we feel like we don't deserve to have boundaries. If you've never tried to build your boundaries up, it feels really strange to try, and this can be enough to put people off. Neo told Business Insider it can be a little bit like going to the gym for the first time.

"Going to the gym feels a lot more natural than growing boundaries," she said. "It's more talked about, like how you're going to feel this lactic acid burn. Nobody tells you about the equivalent lactic acid burn when you're growing boundaries."

Essentially, boundaries are our "hell no"s in life, Neo said. You may have a good idea of where your lines are, or you may not. Sometimes, if you were in a relationship with a toxic person like a narcissist, you may have found your boundaries were eroded away if you had them in the first place.

Some people don't like the term "boundary" because it sounds too rigid. But you don't have to think of yourself as being stubborn. Boundaries simply show people how you want to be respected.

"You've got to be aware that if you don't communicate your boundaries nobody will know how to treat you, and what you don't want," Neo said.

For example, it's common in relationships to just go along with things at the beginning that you aren't keen on. For example, your new partner may speak to you in a way you're not comfortable with, or spend too much time on unhealthy activities. This may be because your partner is going through a tough time, so you think to yourself that if you're kind and supportive, you can always bring up issues later.

But this often doesn't work out as planned. It's how resentment builds up, Neo said, because you may start to think your partner is ungrateful for the sacrifices you've made to your happiness. Unfortunately, without initially putting boundaries in place, your partner is likely to think you've been fine with everything all along.

"That's why boundaries need to be communicated early on, because people are not mind readers," Neo said. "Good people will know how to adjust, bad people won't, and that's when you know to kick them out."

In a sense, knowing your own boundaries means you can trust yourself more too, Neo said. For example, if you tell yourself you don't want to sleep with someone until you're in a committed relationship, it removes a lot of anxiety about your interactions. You know that you can have fun without questioning yourself all the time.

That's not to say that your boundaries are set in stone, though. While you'll probably feel guilty that you're being tough on people at first — especially if you're a people pleaser — it won't last. Once you start to get comfortable with your boundaries, you can bend and adapt them. It's a bit like when you start a diet, or learn a new skill.

"When you start to draw, you don't break the early rules until you master them," Neo said. "Then you can learn to play with those rules. It's the same way when you're growing boundaries. You're going to be tougher on people at first, but that's just you finding your own feet. People need to be aware of that, because they beat themselves up about it."

When you start to draw your boundary lines, Neo said there are a few important things to remember:

  • You don't need to preface your boundaries with a reason. You don't have to come up with excuses for what you've decided, and anyone who demands you do isn't worth your time.
  • You will get pushback. Not everybody will be happy about your boundaries, but if they're not willing to respect them, then they're not respecting you.
  • It's not just about being tough. Neo said it's also important to handle your boundaries with grace. Communicating where your lines are doesn't have to be a stubborn, aggressive affair.
  • Make sure you keep them in place for people you are close to. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can let them treat you badly.
  • Just because you can put up with something, doesn't mean you should. Some people think their problems are minuscule in comparison to others, but that doesn't mean your boundaries are invalid.
  • You might mourn your old self. At first you might think your boundaries will push people away, or make you seem like a different person. In reality, if you think people preferred you the way you were before, it's probably because they knew they could manipulate you.
  • Reward yourself when you stick to your boundaries. If you congratulate yourself when you're strong, dopamine is released by the brain and you're more likely to do it again. You're basically conditioning yourself to behave differently.
  • Let people do you favours. If you've never had boundaries before, you might find you're bad at receiving. This could be in the form of gifts, favours, or even compliments. "Let people do you favours, because your karma bag is very rich," Neo said. "So you're just cashing out the interest, that's all."

SEE ALSO: These are the signs your friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship — and what you should do about it

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: Why you should never release your pet goldfish into the wild

Some people consistently push away the people they love — here's why

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a couple

  • Some people can't help but push their partners away because of a fear of intimacy.
  • Sometimes this is because they had a tough upbringing, and find it difficult to connect with people.
  • Others may have been through trauma later on, such as an abusive relationship.
  • The best way to become comfortable with intimacy is to work out your vulnerabilities and learn to use them as a power.


We've all been there — you start dating someone and they act a bit too keen. They're messaging you at all hours, and cannot wait to meet up again.

It can be a bit off-putting if someone is clearly over-stepping your boundaries, so it's understandable if you want to cut things off with them. After all, it could be a warning sign.

However, some people push others away more often than seems obviously justified. Sometimes it can feel like somebody loses interest even though things were going perfectly.

If you feel someone pulling away once your relationship has started to get a little more serious, it could be because they have a fear of intimacy.

Anxiety can sabotage a relationship.

According to psychologist Hal Shoreyin in a blog post on Psychology Today, about 17% of adults in Western cultures fear intimacy and avoid closeness in relationships.

Perpetua Neo, a psychotherapist and coach, told Business Insider that when people have anxiety in a relationship, it's about how they are going to perform in that relationship, and this extra layer of tension stops them from really being present.

"You're out on a date with your partner and you're supposed to be having a good time, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing them, but in your head you're thinking, maybe I'm doing this wrong, and checking yourself all the time," she said. "This anxiety is going to stop you from actually being intimate, because you've got all these standards you're raising for yourself, and that's going to sabotage it."

In one way, this can be explained by perfectionism, of which there are two main types: productive and unproductive. The productive group get things done to a high level every time, whereas the unproductive types put things off and procrastinate. Perfectionist anxiety can sometimes be the root of intimacy fears, Neo said.

However, at a deeper level, this fear is usually a result of what Neo calls our "stories."

"We are run by stories, and we don't know what kinds of assumptions rule us until we pause and reflect," she said.

"In therapy we call these stories 'core beliefs' ... but I say we are run by stories. It could be upbringing, it could be a difficult experience, or attachment, that can lead to stories about us, such as 'I'm not good enough,' 'I'm not worthy,' 'I'm unlovable.'"

When you are run by these stories, Neo said, it is very hard to be intimate, because intimacy requires vulnerability. If you always fear being unlovable or unworthy, you are always on your best behaviour, which translates to great standards, perfectionism, and anxiety. This means you cannot be vulnerable, and you cannot show who you really are.

It starts with the relationships we have with our caregivers.

So where do these stories begin?

Neo said that a lot of research on attachment has involved children, as it is a pattern that develops as an infant that we are wired to have in order to survive.

The term "attachment theory" was first coined by British Psychologist John Bowlby in the 60s. His work established the idea that how a child develops depends heavily on their ability to form a strong relationship with at least one caregiver — usually a parent.

Neo said that as a species, humans are very slow to develop. Compared to something like a gazelle, which is walking within a few minutes, it takes us over a year to get to that stage. We can barely do anything on our own as an infant, which is why we have evolved attachment behaviours in order to survive.

This attachment to the person who cared for us influences our attachment behaviours once we have grown up. Neo said these behaviours can either be secure or insecure, depending on how your relationship was with your caregiver.

"A person in a secure attachment pattern or relationship will tend to feel ok if their partner is not in the room with them, or if their partner goes away for extended periods of time," she said. "They are able to speak about what makes them unhappy, and stick to their boundaries, and their partner understands what they want. So if you have a secure pattern of attachment, it's easy for relationships because you can be intimate."

However, if you had a tough upbringing during these early attachment stages, you're more likely to develop an insecure pattern of relationships.

For example, if a parent is dismissive or angry when their child is upset, this leads to them to believe their feelings are negative and will be punished. The child eventually learns that the easiest way to deal with emotions is to not feel them — so they are effectively acting to regulate their parent's feelings, rather than the other way around.

If the parent is neglectful, a lot of the child's effort growing up may be poured into trying to gain their affection and approval. Those who have strong bonds with their parents are more likely to be adventurous, because they know they have a back-up of support waiting for them. Those who don't are less willing to try new things, and perhaps throw themselves into relationships.

"This can mean a fear of being intimate, or to mesh with another person on a deeper level," Neo said. "It can be easy to talk to a person, but it's not easy to tell them the truth. It can be easy to sleep with a person, but it doesn't mean that person really knows you."

Other relationships can play a part, too.

couple kissing

Sometimes people have a good, stable childhood and still end up damaged somewhere along the way. This can happen if you become attracted to an abusive person and end up in a relationship with them.

Neo said if you end up in an abusive relationship, your whole world can feel thwarted and destabilised, especially in the aftermath.

"Most women who have been in abusive relationships, they don't understand life anymore, because everything doesn't feel real anymore," she said. "People go about life thinking that good things happen to good people, the future will be bright or at least okay, but when something bad happens — not just abusive relationships, it could be a job loss or a death of a partner — this will shatter our world of assumptions."

Some people fail to rebuild themselves and their lives after a trauma, and this means their outlook on life shifts to one that is uncertain and scary, where bad things happen.

Whenever they meet someone new, they expect the worst of them, and this begins a vicious cycle of never getting close to anyone. They are always looking out for something to go wrong.

"If I meet someone and act suspicious, I'm not going to interact well with this person," Neo said. "And what's going to happen is they're not going to like me because they're going to pick up on the fact I'm suspicious and hostile. So it's a vicious cycle. If we don't manage to build our sense of coherence and meanings about the world, we will have this fear of intimacy."

Neo says identifying the red flags of an abusive partner is important, but you shouldn't actively search for them. Rather than thinking "please don't end up being a narcissist," you should think "please be wonderful, kind, and funny."

There are things you can look out for.

Shannon Thomas, a clinical social worker, told Business Insider that there are several methods people use to sabotage intimacy in their relationships.

"One is that we become critical of another person who is trying to bond with us," she said. "We question their motives of trying to be close. We may tell ourselves that they don't really care but are pretending. What we think is what we feel and will influence our behaviours."

Someone can push their partner away by saying they are busy with work or other activities, so they don't have the time needed to invest in getting close to others. They can also create unnecessary tension by starting arguments or not putting in any effort, meaning the other person will eventually give up the pursuit.

"Survivors of abuse have learned in real life that some people are not safe," Thomas added. "This can create a fear response when a new relationship starts to feel 'too close.' Survivors of abuse will subconsciously keep people at an emotional distance. They set up barriers for the exact purpose of limiting connections so not to be hurt again."

Save your energy for people that matter.

Abusive people don't prey on the weak— they like a challenge, so they often go for those who are smart, confident, and strong, largely because it makes them feel superior.

Neo said this is important to remember, because it helps identify where you were vulnerable. If can be painful working out why you were a target, because it can come with a lot of self-blame. However, once you identify it, you can then use it as a superpower.

"People with high levels of empathy are often not aware of boundaries, because we give and give," Neo said.

"But when you don't have good boundaries, it leaves you open to abusers. Imagine if you're in a war zone and you don't have a fort, then all these bad people are going to come in. The really important thing is to emphasise that if you can keep your energy for the people that matter, the real genuine people, it means you can help yourself and help them. How can I heal from that horrible experience and use it to create something beautiful and better in life?"

Thomas added that it's really important to choose emotionally healthy people to connect with, because unhealthy people will only reinforce beliefs that getting close to people is damaging.

"Once we have established that someone has the emotional intelligence and maturity to bond, we need to be honest that we struggle with fears of being close," she said. "[We] will need their help to create a safe environment so we can learn to trust other people again."

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Almost two thirds of women who say they've never been in an abusive relationship have experienced toxic behaviour — here are the signs to look out for

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woman sitting sad

  • Someone doesn't have to be left with bruises for behaviour to count as abuse.
  • Many people don't realise they are in emotionally or psychologically abusive relationships.
  • This is because they don't think their partner's behaviour is bad enough.
  • In fact, early signs of abuse can even be misconstrued as "romantic."
  • A study from Cosmopolitan and Women's Aid highlights how downplayed emotionally abusive situations can be.


Abusive relationships are more common than you might think. Domestic abuse of some kind affects one in four women and one in six men in their lifetime.

But there are misconceptions about what makes a relationship abusive. For example, some people believe if their partner has never laid a finger on them, they can't truly be harming them. This isn't true, and psychological abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse.

A new study from Women's Aid and Cosmopolitan highlights just how downplayed psychological and emotional abuse in relationships can be.

A survey of 122,000 women found that over a third (34.5%) said they had been in an abusive relationship at some point. But perhaps the most shocking part was that out of the 65.5% of respondents who said they had never been in an abusive relationship, almost two thirds had experienced problematic, toxic behaviour from a partner, which could potentially amount to abuse.

Here are some of the ways they reported partners behaved:

  • Logged onto their social media accounts or looking at their phone without permission.
  • Criticised their social media use, followers, or likes.
  • Turned up unannounced to somewhere they weren't invited, because their location was shared on social media.
  • Tried to stop them socialising with friends.
  • Made them feel bad with nasty comments.
  • Pressured them into anything sexual they didn't want to do.
  • Intimidated them by being aggressive.

One respondent who said she had never been in an abusive relationship said one previous partner had pressured her into sexual acts she wasn't comfortable with, including sending nude pictures.

"[He] told me I'm worthless, fat, a failure and only good for sex," she said. Another said she had been verbally, physically and sexually abused but still answered "no" when asked "do you think you've ever been in an abusive relationship?"

Katie Ghose, the CEO of Women's Aid, told Cosmopolitan that one of the biggest problems lies in the misconceptions we have about romance.

"Checking your phone, turning up unannounced and telling you who you can or can't see is often misrepresented by your partner as showing that they care about you," she said. "But this is not romantic. It is controlling behaviour that can slowly erode your confidence and independence and, if part of a repeated pattern, is ultimately abusive."

Even something like texting you all the time can be a red flag. It's fine if they just like talking to you, but if you feel it's bordering on stalking and checking up on you all the time, it could be a warning sign they are starting to control you.

"As the shocking findings from our research show, many younger women may not recognise that their partner is abusive if there isn't physical violence and may even think that threatening, controlling, and intimidating behaviour is normal in relationships," Ghose said.

Other findings from the survey were that half of respondents (55.8%) had experienced hurtful comments from their partner, 38.2% had been pressured into something sexual they didn't want to do, a third (33.4%) had been intimidated by their partner being physically aggressive, and 40.2% had experienced their partner isolating them from their friends or family.

If you think your friend or anyone else is in danger, the MyPlan App from One Love Foundation, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, and Women's Aid are resources that can help.

SEE ALSO: These are the signs your friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship — and what you should do about it

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The life and rise of 'Westworld' star Evan Rachel Wood, who was nominated for a Golden Globe as a teenager and has a deep connection to music and activism

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Dolores Abernathy by train Westworld

Evan Rachel Wood has been a famous actress for half of her life.

Now 30, she first gained fame for her  breakout leading role in 2003's "Thirteen," which snagged her a Golden Globe nomination.

After that film's success, she continued to appear in smaller independent films. Toward the later 2000s, her roles made her more high-profile thanks to meaty stints in Oscar-nominated films including "The Wrestler" and "The Ides of March."

Now, she's one of the best actors on television, starring on HBO's "Westworld" as Dolores Abernathy, a dangerous host with free will, and a primary anti-hero in the second season, airing now on HBO.

Wood is also an activist for women's rights, an outspoken victim of sexual assault, and an advocate for LGBTQ+ rights. 

Here's how Wood's career has blossomed over the past two decades:

Evan Rachel Wood was born September 7, 1987 in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Both of Wood's parents are actors, and her father runs a local theater company. Wood and her siblings would act in the productions at her father's theater as kids. 

When Wood's parents got divorced in the 90s, she moved to Los Angeles with her mother and began pursuing an acting career. She had a recurring role on "American Gothic," "Profiler," and "Once and Again," and also had roles in TV movies. 

Source: Biography



Wood's TV roles led to parts in big movies including "Practical Magic" and "Digging to China."

Wood has said that the 1998 film, "Digging to China," which starred Kevin Bacon, was the project that made her realize she wanted to be an actress for the rest of her life. 

 

 



In 2003, Wood starred in the film "Thirteen," opposite Nikki Reed and Holly Hunter.

"Thirteen" is about a thirteen-year-old girl who begins to experiment with drugs, sex, and crime. The film gained momentum after premiering at Sundance, and Wood was nominated for a Golden Globe and a SAG Award for best actress in a drama. The low-budget film, directed by Catherine Hardwicke, was primarily shot with handheld cameras. 

After the success of "Thirteen," Wood continued to work on independent films including "The Upside of Anger" with Kevin Costner and Joan Allen, and "Pretty Persuasion," which focused on themes of sexual harassment and discrimination in schools. 



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A year after their wedding, Snapchat CEO Evan Spiegel and supermodel Miranda Kerr welcome their first baby, Hart. Here's a look inside their whirlwind romance. (SNAP)

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Evan Spiegel Miranda Kerr

Supermodel Miranda Kerr and Snap's CEO, Evan Spiegel, announced the birth of their first child, a boy, Hart, named after Spiegel's grandfather.

It's been an exciting year for the LA power couple.

Last May, the 27-year-old billionaire Spiegel and the Australian model tied the knot, with an early-morning yoga session and an intimate backyard setting.

Kerr and Spiegel started dating over two years ago, and a whirlwind romance followed, which led to their engagement, in 2016.

Here's how the two powerful stars met and fell in love.

SEE ALSO: How Reddit cofounder Alexis Ohanian and tennis superstar Serena Williams met and fell in love

The two met at a dinner for Louis Vuitton in Los Angeles. "We were really good friends for a long time before we started dating," Kerr told The Sydney Morning Herald.

Source: The Sydney Morning Herald



The first night they met, Harper's Bazaar editor-in-chief Glenda Bailey said to Kerr, "I bet you two are going to get married."

Source: Business Insider



In 2007, Kerr was the first Australian to become a Victoria's Secret Angel and was among the world's highest-paid models. Now, she's working on creative projects like her skincare line, Kora Organics.

Source: The Sydney Morning Herald



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is 'cash rich' with $1.4 billion, and he'll need a team of advisers to protect it

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Travis Kalanick
  • Former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick recently received a payout of $1.4 billion, making him cash rich.
  • Kalanick has said he plans to set up a charitable foundation, but it's unclear what his philanthropic focus will be.
  • Protecting and maximizing that much cash is complicated, requiring a team of financial advisers, attorneys, and accountants. 

Earlier this year, former Uber CEO Travis Kalanick became an actual billionaire — with a check worth $1.4 billion to prove it.

While the definition of what it takes to be rich varies in the US, there's no denying Kalanick has officially joined the ranks of the richest people in the world. With the massive payout in hand, Kalanick now faces a new task: how to protect and maximize his newfound wealth.

It's not as simple as putting the money into a bank account. Financial planner Eric Roberge says there is such a thing as having "too much cash."

"While I don't expect the US to go economically belly up anytime soon, the fact is that FDIC insurance only guarantees that sums up to $250,000 are protected. Anything over that, and you could lose your money if something happens to your bank," Roberge said.

That means Kalanick needs a plan for his money sooner rather than later. Business Insider's Julie Bort reported that Kalanick plans on setting up a charitable foundation, though it's unclear what philanthropic causes he will focus on.

But first, Kalanick needs to hire a handful of advisers, preferably a "team of professionals which would at a minimum include an estate planning attorney, certified public accountant, and insurance professional," financial planner Aaron Hattenbach — who founded Rapport Financial— told Business Insider. That's in addition to a financial planner or investment adviser who would serve as his "quarterback," helping to coordinate across all of the advisers.

Once a team of professionals is in place, Hattenbach expects they "would have a conversation about the client's estate, desires, and goals." Together, they would work through separate complexities for the client, including "asset protection, insurance, charitable giving, wealth transfer, taxes, and investments," he said.

It's normal for today's billionaires to prioritize philanthropy and big ideas, such as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos' focus on space travel with his company Blue Origin

"As billionaires' wealth grows, so too does their sense of responsibility and their ambition. Stopping climate change, improving public education, alleviating poverty, eradicating malaria, finding a cure for Alzheimer's and so on," wrote John Mathews, head of private wealth management and ultra high net worth at UBS.

Kalanick would have to be upfront with his advisers about his goals, so they can help establish an organization and find the proper routes to transfer and protect his money for charitable giving.

Tax planning will also come into play with such a large influx of cash. Hattenbach would delegate the estate planning attorney to "reduce and eliminate potential gift and estate taxes" by "utilizing revocable and irrevocable trusts, charitable trusts, and foundations." At this stage, the estate planner would also create an exhaustive inventory of all the client's assets, in case something happened to the client.

Not everything is different for a billionaire than an average client, however. Hattenbach said that his last move for any client would be to produce "a customized investment policy statement, a business plan for their investments."

Due to the large amount cash that Kalanick has just come into, it can take a while for all of the above actions to unfold. Hattenbach says that to get everything right, the process shouldn't be rushed and can take months.

In the mean time, Hattenbach generally recommends that clients maintain "purchasing power by investing in short term treasury bills, short term municipal bonds ... and other low risk investments that limit interest rate and credit risk."

SEE ALSO: One out of every 6 people retire as millionaires — here are 8 things you can do now to make sure you're one of them

DON'T MISS: Uber and Lyft are changing where rich people buy homes

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Spotify has removed R. Kelly from its playlists after abusive 'sex cult' allegations

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R. Kelly performing

  • Spotify removed R. Kelly from all of its editorial and algorithmic playlists on Thursday, the company told Billboard.
  • Kelly, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by multiple women in the past year, is the first artist Spotify has acknowledged removing from its playlists under a recently implemented "hateful conduct" policy.
  • "When an artist or creator does something that is especially harmful or hateful, it may affect the ways we work with or support that artist or creator," the company told Billboard.

Spotify has removed the music of R&B singer R. Kelly from all of its editorial and algorithmic playlists starting Thursday, the music streaming service told Billboard

Kelly, who has been accused of sexual misconduct and running an alleged "sex cult" by multiple women in the past year, will no longer appear on Spotify playlists like Discover Weekly or New Music Friday under the company's new policy addressing "hateful conduct," Spotify told Billboard.

"We are removing R. Kelly’s music from all Spotify owned and operated playlists and algorithmic recommendations such as Discover Weekly," Spotify told the outlet. "His music will still be available on the service, but Spotify will not actively promote it. We don't censor content because of an artist’s or creator’s behavior, but we want our editorial decisions — what we choose to program — to reflect our values. When an artist or creator does something that is especially harmful or hateful, it may affect the ways we work with or support that artist or creator."

Kelly was the first artist that Spotify acknowledged removing from its playlists under the new policy, after the singer's alleged sexual misconduct has come under increased scrutiny in recent months. Later on Thursday, a Spotify representative told The New York Times that the company's playlists had also removed the rapper XXXtentacion, who is currently facing charges in Florida that include aggravated battery of a pregnant woman.

Several women first accused Kelly of running an abusive "sex cult" in a July 2017 article with Buzzfeed. Last week, two more women came forward to Buzzfeed with similar allegations of coercion and sexual violence in an article — days after the anti-sexual harassment organization Time's Up announced a social media campaign, #MuteRKelly, urging companies like Spotify and Apple Music to cut ties with the singer.  

Kelly, who was acquitted of child pornography charges in 2008, is currently not the subject of any criminal investigations. Kelly has repeatedly denied the accusations in Buzzfeed's series of articles. Following the most recent Buzzfeed report last week, Kelly issued a statement, saying that the allegations were "perpetuated by the media" in an "attempt to distort my character and to destroy my legacy that I have worked so hard to build."

"When we look at promotion, we look at issues around hateful conduct, where you have an artist or another creator who has done something off-platform that is so particularly out of line with our values, egregious, in a way that it becomes something that we don't want to associate ourselves with," Jonathan Prince, Spotify's head of content and marketplace policy told Billboard in a statement. "So we've decided that in some circumstances, we may choose to not work with that artist or their content in the same way — to not program it, to not playlist it, to not do artist marketing campaigns with that artist."

SEE ALSO: Dr. Dre lost a trademark battle to a gynecologist in Pennsylvania called Dr. Drai

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We drove a $53,000 Alfa Romeo Stelvio to see if it can take on Mercedes' and BMW's SUVs — here's the verdict

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Alfa Romeo Stelvia

  • The Stelvio is Alfa Romeo's first crack at an SUV since returning to the US market.
  • Luxury SUVs are a mission-critical segment for the Italian brand; the Stelvio is helping Alfa to post modest sales gains.
  • We enjoyed the Alfa Romeo's styling and driving dynamics, but it fell short on infotainment and interior quality.


Alfa Romeo exited the US market back in the mid-1990s, and if you had told me prior to the financial crisis that the legendary Italian brand would be back, I'd have scoffed.

By the bailout and bankruptcy of Chrysler in 2009 set the stage for an unlikely return, as Fiat — Alfa's owner — acquired Chrysler and formed Fiat Chrysler Automobiles. CEO Sergio Marchionne was keen to restore Alfa in the lucrative US luxury market. So first we got the offbeat 4C sports car, followed by the marvelous Giulia sedan.

Now the most unlikely Alfa of all has arrived, the Stelvio SUV. Luxury SUVs are a big segment in ute-mad America, with pretty much every major brand supporting a lineup. Alfa had to get in on the action.

The Stelvio landed in 2017 and has contributed to a modest sales uptick for the brand, which is now reliably selling in the low four digits in the US, versus the mid threes a year ago. We got our hands on a $53,000 Sport-trim example (the base model is $42,000). The car was mega-sharp, with its quintessentially Italian styling. A Range Rover this definitely isn't. But what was it like to live with?

Photos by Hollis Johnson.

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Our Stelvio tester arrived in a Rosso Red paint job with an all-black interior.

The Alfa front end is utterly distinctive. You can't mistake it for anything else, with that dashing shield grille, those saber-like headlights, and the gorgeous Alfa badge. As front fascias go, it's amazing.

The Rosso Red exterior was luminous. We seen Alfas in black and we've seen them in red. And red is better.



Of course, because the design is so Alfa, it's bound to be polarizing.

The obvious question is whether you want your rugged SUV to look like something that's dressed for men's fashion week in Milan. From my perspective, SUVs have exuded rough-and-tumble cred for so long that the arrival of panache with the Stelvio and the Maserati Levante is a good thing.



The Stelvio is symmetrical and sleek.

To be honest, apart from the glorious color, we weren't 100% convinced by the Stelvio's beauty. 

The rest of the world didn't share our skepticism. There was no shortage of admiring glances, rapt stares, thumbs up, and questions from total strangers for the week that we spent driving the SUV around New York and New Jersey.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Target employees share the most ridiculous returns they've seen customers make

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Target employee cashier

  • Target's return policy allows for most unopened items to be exchanged or refunded within 90 days.
  • A total of 22 Target team members spoke to Business Insider about the strangest returns they've ever seen.
  • Employees reported seeing people attempt to return everything from shirts from Walmart to $400 in Christmas decorations.


Target's return policy covers most unopened items for 90 days.

"Most unopened items in new condition and returned within 90 days will receive a refund or exchange," the retail chain's website reads.

The store's policy also notes that some items have a "modified return policy." You can check if a product has such a policy on the receipt or packing slip. Damaged or opened items can be "denied a refund or exchange."

But that doesn't stop some Target shoppers from attempting to abuse the policy.

Business Insider recently corresponded with 22 Target employees to get a sense of the strangest things they've witnessed customers return — or attempt to return.

It sounds like they've seen a lot — from an opened box of condoms to a U-Haul's worth of lawn set items.

Here's what the Target team members had to say:

SEE ALSO: Target employees shared 4 of their worst horror stories — and it will make you appreciate how hard their job is

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SEE ALSO: 2 major things Target employees wish they could tell shoppers, but can't

An entire lawn set

"Someone ordered an entire lawn set online and brought it in on a U-Haul to return it," a Target employee of two years told Business Insider. "We had to use around 10 carts to bring it in."



A bag of unopened chips

An Target employee of one year told Business Insider that the chips were supposed to be served at a party, but went unopened.

"I did not know at the time that food returns get tossed," the employee told Business Insider.



A single banana

A Target team member of one year told Business Insider that they had witnessed a customer make this return.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

Google has announced it’s taking major steps to curb ‘tech addiction’ — here’s the reality

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surprised phone texting

  • At this week's Google I/O event, the company unveiled an initiative targeted at addressing what many call "tech addiction."
  • The initiative includes a handful of new features that the company says are designed to help people keep track of their digital time.
  • Scientists who study smartphone and social media use say tech addiction isn't the real and concrete enemy that some are making it out to be, however.


True story: I once walked headfirst into a pole on my way home from work.

I can't blame the darkness (the sun had only just begun to set), and I can't blame my vision (I'd recently gotten new glasses). But I can blame my iPhone, whose vibration had lured me into staring at its crisp bright screen. The text I was responding to was not worth the heart-shaped bruise that I shamefully covered in makeup the next day.

Until my ridiculous injury, I had laughed at stories about the dangers of "walking while texting." I'd eye-rolled at reports of painful "iPhone neck" from leaning over tiny screens. And I'd never taken the idea of social media addiction seriously.

But that evening, I started to wonder if maybe our generation was screwed— and maybe our smartphones were to blame.

At this week's Google I/O event, the search giant's annual developer conference, Google unveiled a "Digital Wellbeing" initiative that it claims is aimed at curbing the phenomenon. Google said the plan would focus on fostering what it calls "JOMO," the joy of missing out, a clever play on FOMO, the fear of missing out. The initiative includes a handful of new features that the company says are designed to help people keep track of their digital time.

But the reality is that "tech addiction" — at least as a real, full-blown dilemma that causes clinical levels of impairment or distress — may not exist. In fact, some scientists who study the issue believe that tech companies like Google are focusing on a fake problem to avoid addressing issues like privacy and data ownership.

"It serves the interest of larger companies to be debating things like screen time and usage. When you bring it all together you have a big dog and pony show," Andrew Przybylski, a senior research fellow at the Oxford Internet Institute, told Business Insider in March.

'Helping people with their digital well-being is more important to us than ever'

Sundar PichaiGoogle said at the conference that it wants to help people better track how frequently they use their devices so that they can spend more time doing other things.

"Helping people with their digital well-being is more important to us than ever," Google's vice president of product management Sameer Samat said this week.

That includes new features like "Dashboard," which shows you how often you're using an Android smartphone or tablet.

Importantly, the company isn't using the word "addiction" anywhere in its plan.

That's probably a good thing, Przybylski said. Addiction is a real disorder, and one that's already heavily stigmatized. Exaggerated claims about the problems that result from using our devices only makes it worse.

Still despite Google's avoidance of the word "addiction," the company's new initiative leans heavily into the idea that by better using our time on devices, we can be happier, better people.

The hard research suggests that this is an exaggerated problem with a fake solution. In reality, all of the headlines that warn us about things like smartphones destroying a generation, ruining our posture and mood, and eroding our brains are simply "a projection of our own fears," Przybylski said.

Small studies, big problems

Girl iPhone XThe existing body of research on "tech addiction" suffers from several big problems.

Most are too small to carry statistical power. Many are written by researchers with a clear agenda. And the majority don't even establish that a device is causing a problem, merely that it could be contributing to an existing one.

Take, for example, the claim that because teen depression and iPhone ownership have been rising at the same time, they must be connected. This is a classic example of correlation, not causation: our phones are not necessarily to blame for cases of depression.

Przybylski has attempted to replicate some of the studies that suggested there's a strong tie between social media use and depression. When he used larger sets of people in a more well-controlled environment, he failed to find the same results. Instead, he's found either no link or a very, very small one.

"People are making expansive claims about the link between well-being and tech use, but if this was displayed on a Venn diagram, the circles would overlap one quarter of one percent," Przybylski said. "It is literally the lowest quality of evidence that you could give that people wouldn't laugh you out of the room."

Last year, Przybylski co-authored a study published in the journal Psychological Science in which he examined the effect of screen-time on a sample of more than 120,000 British adolescents. The researchers asked teens how much time they spent streaming, gaming, and using their smartphones and computers. After running the data through a series of statistical analyses, it became clear to Przybylski that screen-time isn't harmful for the vast majority of teens. In fact, it's sometimes helpful — especially when teens are using it for two to four hours per day.

"Overall, the evidence indicated that moderate use of digital technology is not intrinsically harmful and may be advantageous in a connected world," Przybylski wrote in the paper.

Even when it came to those positive results, however, Przybylski said the significance of the effects they observed was tiny.

"If you're a parent and you have limited resources, the question becomes: which hill are you going to die on? Where do you want to put your limited resources? Do you want to put it into making sure your kid has breakfast or gets a full night's sleep? Because for those activities the effects are three times larger than they would be for screen-time," Przybylski said.

Seeing problems everywhere

walking and textingMany parents fear that using social media is universally bad for teens. They get distracted by text messages during class; they miss out on family time because they're texting at the dinner table; they scroll through Instagram instead of going to sleep.

Once you see a few examples of phone-obsessed behavior — a whole family staring silently at their phones while eating a restaurant, say — you tend to notice it more wherever you go.

This may be partially a result of the phenomenon known as confirmation bias. Essentially, you see one event that supports an idea you already have, then because you are hyper-aware of these types of activities, you find more examples that appear to confirm that idea.

It's a bit like when you begin shopping for a certain kind of car — a Honda Civic, let's say — then suddenly notice that everyone appears to be driving a Honda Civic. In reality, that model hasn't gotten more popular overnight; you're simply primed to notice them.

"A lot of the research is bound up in these problems," Przybylski said. "Our concerns or panic about a new thing" — in this case, social media — "guide how we do the research and interpret the results."

Distorted, negative viewpoints have likely influenced the research on a host of new inventions and activities throughout history.

Unfortunately, paying attention exclusively to social harms makes us blind to the ways a new technology may be help us. In the case of social media, such biases can take attention away from other more serious problems.

"It's important to think about all the things we're not talking about here. We don't talk about things like privacy, advertisements, who owns your data, and all this stuff that's actually important," Przybylski said.

When social media may help, not harm

teensCandice L. Odgers, a professor of psychology and social behavior at the University of California Irvine, specializes in studying new technologies and adolescent development. She told Business Insider in March that social media may be having some positive effects on teens and young adults, but many people are not paying attention to that research.

"The digital world hasn't created a new species of children. Many of the things that attract them to things about social media are the same things that attract them to other activities," Odgers said.

"There are a lot of good things that are happening with social media use today and there's been a really negative narrative about it."

A large review of 36 studies published in the journal Adolescent Research Review concluded that instead of feeling hampered by their screens, teens are chiefly using digital communication to deepen and strengthen existing in-person relationships. The authors concluded that young adults find it easier to display affection, share intimacy, and even organize events and meet-ups online.

Similarly, the authors of a 2017 review of literature on social media and screen time published by UNICEF concluded that "digital technology seems to be beneficial for children's social relationships" and that most young people are using it to "enhance their existing relationships and stay in touch with friends."

Kids who struggle to make friends in person may even use digital tools to "compensate for this and build positive relationships," they said. A small 2018 study of British teens in foster care supports that idea — it suggested that social media helped young people maintain healthy relationships with their birth parents, make new friends, and ease the transition from childhood to adulthood.

Other research, including a small 2017 study of Instagram users aged 18-55, suggests that teens also turn to platforms like Instagram as a means of exploring the world and dreaming up potential adventures — a category of people the researchers classified as "feature lovers."

"Feature lovers want to see something that's exotic or unique; they're looking at Instagram and they're thinking, 'take me to China or Alaska or some place I can't afford to go,'" T.J. Thomson, the lead author of the study, told Business Insider in March.

You're probably not 'addicted' to Facebook or Instagram

The researchers behind these studies emphasized that social media and smartphones are not so much an "addiction" as a novel, attention-grabbing platform for enhancing existing activities and relationships.

In other words, social media has similar impacts on the brain as lots of other types of activity — too much or too little can be linked with negative impacts, while moderate use can have positive results.

"Claims that the brain might be hijacked or re-wired by digital technology are not supported by neuroscience evidence and should be treated with skepticism," the authors of the UNICEF review wrote.

Addiction is a complicated but serious problem that neuroscientists have yet to fully understand. It typically stems from a cache of interconnected factors that include our environment and our genes. As a result, classifying our nearly-universal reliance on digital tools as an "addiction" simply isn't fair to the people whose lives have been torn apart by things like alcoholism or drug use.

A chief characterizing factor of addictive behavior is that use of a given substance interferes with daily activity so much that people can't function normally. Studies suggest that social media, by contrast, is often used to enhance existing relationships, and does not decrease real-world interactions or cause uniform harm.

Research does indicate, however, that people who may already be predisposed to depression and anxiety could suffer more as a result of using these types of "compare-and-despair" platforms.

A series of studies published in the journal Information, Communication, and Society found that while people's Facebook use had no impact on their social interactions later that day, scrolling through the platform did appear to be linked with lower feelings of well-being if the person had been alone earlier in the day.

”People who use social media alone likely aren't getting their face-to-face social needs met,” Michael Kearney, a co-author of the study, said in a statement. "So if they’re not having their social needs met in their life outside of social media, it makes sense that looking at social media might make them feel even lonelier."

There are plenty of simple, healthy ways to address these risks without resorting to harsh measures like breaking up with your smartphone. If Google's latest initiative can help with that, then I'm all for it. But it's important to remember that these initatives do not erase larger concerns around privacy and data ownership.

I, for one, no longer text when I walk. But I'm still actively monitoring what I share with Google, Apple, Instagram, and Facebook.

It's a small change, but my forehead — and my sense of "digital well-being" — are grateful.

SEE ALSO: A new health startup boldly claims to reverse diabetes without drugs, and Silicon Valley's favorite diet is a big part of it

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